Don’t have time to read? Click here to listen instead!

3 Key Elements for Leading by Example

Excerpt from Lead Conversations that Count: How Busy Managers Run Great Meetings
(Rowntree Press, 2021)

As the Conversation Leader, you set the bar. Your presence creates an ecosystem for participants to work together. If you’ve been a parent, you already know that children will do as you do and not as you say. As a role model for listening, acknowledging, contributing, and questioning, participants will follow your lead, so be mindful of the example you set.

Children are the best teachers for parents when it comes to setting a role model. I was called into nursery school because my youngest son, at the tender age of four, was apparently teaching his classmates how to curse like a sailor. Embarrassed, I meekly explained to his teacher that as the youngest of three children, he was likely picking up a few unwanted habits from his older siblings, who were already well into grade school. Yet on the drive home, as I earnestly told my son about the importance of being respectful with our words, another driver cut in front of my car without a signal. In a nanosecond, I yelled out a choice word that would make the late George Carlin proud. I still remember looking in the rear-view mirror and seeing my son’s little face. Eyebrow raised, his wry smile said, “Sure, Mom, you were saying something about being respectful with our words? Do continue.” I realized my four-year-old was, with a glance, calling me out as a hypocrite, even though he didn’t know what that word meant.

In leading conversations, you are constantly setting an example. The question is whether that example contributes to or takes away from creating a Conversation that Counts. From my twenty years of experience coaching individuals, here are a few principles I find most useful:

Integrity

The first person you need to lead is yourself. When you have integrity, you do what you say, and you say what you’ll do. If that changes for any reason, you share what and why in a transparent and timely manner. When people know you operate from integrity, they feel they can count on you. You have their back. A leader that exhibits little self- awareness or willingness to manage their state doesn’t inspire trust and conviction in those around him/her.

Humility

You may have a different position on the organizational chart than the people you’re having a conversation with, but that alone will not necessarily buy cooperation, collaboration or commitment from others. Being humble and recognizing you too have things to learn from others helps build trust and sets the expectation for learning together. Humility demonstrates your growth mindset and willingness to reflect upon your choices, successes, and failures and learn from them all.

Willingness

To read the room, you need to be willing to read yourself and recognize where you need to re-calibrate. It also requires a willingness to be vulnerable, which means admitting when you don’t know or feel stuck.

While vulnerability can feel risky, it invites people to have greater trust and connection with you. Asking for help creates opportunities for others to contribute their leadership. You also serve as a role model and normalize that it is totally acceptable and safe not to know and ask for what you need.

Your willingness to be vulnerable can be your greatest strength.

Take Action

Take a look over the past week and do a self-assessment of what you have been role modelling for others. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being “Definitely not a great example of anything!” and 10 being “I am consistently and intentionally leading by positive example”, give yourself a ranking. What are some examples that support your assessment? What’s one thing you could do differently to be a more effective and consistent role model?

Ask for some feedback from others about what they experience of you in terms of your integrity, humility and willingness. You can ask a colleague, a family member or even your child. Stay open to the feedback, and you might be pleasantly surprised learning about the impact and influence you have on others, and learn a few specific ways you can take your leadership up a notch too!

Resources

James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones (Avery, 2018)

Simon Sinek, Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together and Others Don’t (Portfolio, 2017)

Author Information: This is an excerpt from Lead Conversations that Count: How Busy Managers Run Great Meetings by Carolyn Ellis (Rowntree Press, 2021). For more information on the book, please visit www.LeadConversationsThatCount.com. This article may be shared provided the author information is included.