Great work isn’t typically something that a single individual can do alone. More likely great work that can change a community or a business happens because of people working together. In a complex world, it’s more imperative than ever before that we learn how to build strong relationships where you can draw from the strength, ingenuity and resilience of your team.
I have had the great privilege of leading a mastermind group of women in business for several years as part of the MasterMIND program at The Verity Club in Toronto. They are smart, savvy, heart-centred women and we come together in our year-long program so they can grow to their next level of success. As we had our wrap-up meeting for our year, I was reminded of the power of one sadly underutilized tool that has the power to strengthen relationships and build lasting trust: appreciation. I designed a short exercise where we got to practice our appreciation muscles that had a profound impact on the group. At the same time, it anchored in a lot of the tremendous progress and transformation from their journey together. Everyone had a large cutout of a hand taped to their back. The question to be answered was “What was something you most appreciated about being this person this year?”
One by one, people wrote their answers to that question on the hand stuck on the back of the person they wanted to appreciate. Once we’d all had a chance to fill in everyone’s hand and we circled up together. Then came the big reveal – the filled-out hands were removed from everyone’s back, so the recipient could read what people appreciated about them. The beaming smiles and glistening tears really lit up our meeting!
Research by relationship and business experts alike show that appreciation is a huge determinant of performance and success. John Gottman’s research showed that the ratio of positive to negative comments made by the partners to one another was the single biggest determinant of whether a couple was staying married or getting divorced. The ideal ratio is five positive comments for every negative one.
Here are some tips to make your appreciation muscles even stronger!
1. Appreciate from the heart. Take a moment to breathe, drop into your heart, and then imagine letting your heart say what it wants to about what you appreciate about another.
2. Be specific. While “I really like working with you!” is a great start, adding in one specific detail about WHY you like working with that person takes the appreciation to a more powerful level. Can you see how “I really like working with you because you always ask great questions!” has more impact?
3. Let it land. Giving, and receiving, heartfelt appreciations to a co-worker or partner can feel quite vulnerable, and downright uncomfortable. Avoid the temptation to make a joke over it or distract from the power of the appreciation.
4. Breathe it In. Being actively appreciated can be particularly uncomfortable to those out there who are more used to taking care of others or being the group cheerleader. Try not to brush off an appreciation with “Oh, thanks, but it was really nothing.” Receive the gift being offered to you with a simple “Thank you so much!”
5. Make it A Regular Practice. Don’t wait for a Hallmark holiday or Employee Appreciation Day to let someone know that you appreciate them. There are psychological studies showing the long-lasting positive effects of appreciation not just for the receiver, but also for the person doing the appreciation as well as others who simply witness the act of appreciation. Expressing gratitude helps promote a “we’re all in this together” attitude, and opens up the possibilities of more meaningful connection in your team.
6.Appreciate Yourself. Feeling unappreciated or not respected can zap your resilience and willingness to engage fully faster than anything. Don’t leave yourself out of the appreciation loop! As part of your self-care practice, feed yourself regular doses of self-appreciation and gratitude by stopping to pause and celebrate the little victories and stretches out of your comfort zone. Keeping a healthy gratitude list for yourself can be more motivating and energizing than focusing solely on your to do list.
What can you do to strengthen your appreciation muscles today? Who do you want to appreciate?
