It started with my front door not closing properly. Just a bit of chafing where the door met the frame. A little more force needed to close it. But no big deal, right?

Fast forward a couple of months. The door now needs to be slightly lifted in order to close. I see the top hinge is gaping away from the frame itself. I practically tiptoe through my doorway somehow thinking that would slow down the deterioriating function of my front door. I teach my son all of my little tricks to closing the door properly without a big bang so I don’t disturb my downstairs neighbor. I start to catastrophize about needing to purchase a whole new door. What’s the best kind of door? Who can install it reliably for me? And so on, and so on.

I share this somewhat embarrassing story of inaction and delusion to highlight a phenomenon I call, “The Toleration Cycle.” And I know I am NOT the only person on the planet to fall into this spiral of settling for less than what you want, deserve or need.

There’s putting up with a co-worker who insists on shouting and huge guffaws of laugher in your open work space instead of taking the time to book a separate room for lengthy calls.

There’s avoiding talking to your teenager about not filling up the car after they use it because you’d rather avoid conflict than open up a can of hormone-laden worms.

There’s laughing along with inappropriate comments instead of advocating for a more inclusive attitude because you don’t want to rock the boat in your workplace.

What I have found is that there is a typical cycle of how toleration continues to spiral out of control, and ends up being a huge burden rather than just a minor irritation. Here’s the sequence, and I invite you to see how this maps onto your own example of toleration:

Phase 1 – Notice: I noticed my front door wasn’t closing properly. “Huh, that’s not right.”

Phase 2 – Feel: I felt annoyed and slightly concerned. But I told myself it was just a temporary season issue because the wood was swelling, or that it wasn’t that broken, so I didn’t really need to fix it, did I? This phase is all about just getting through it as you deny, comply, and sigh.

Phase 3 – Rationalize: In this phase, my inner dialogue and focus got busy with making up a lot of stories. “I was too busy to fix this now.” “I don’t know anyone and don’t have the time to find a handyman. Or should it be a carpenter?” “Wait, are there door dudes out there I needed to locate?” The end result is a decision to deal with this…later.

Phase 4 – Accommodate: Instead of directing my energy towards a solution, I directed it towards finding a work around. If I lift the door in this particular way, it works better. If I use slightly less force, I can close it. I even gave my kids detailed training on how to close the door in this new way! In a work setting, the focus shifts to doing the workaround, instead of being able to do the work.

Phase 5 – Perform: The cumulative impact of letting these tolerations run continuously in the baseload of your consciousness is a huge drain on your focus, energy, and creativity. Every iota of brain power and will power that got diverted into anticipating how I was going to need to open and close the broken door properly was a unit of energy I didn’t have available for stuff that really mattered – like my piece of mind, my writing, my clients, my sense of enjoyment in my own home. I didn’t realize how much of my energetic bandwidth this dang door was taking until I walked through it fixed for the first time. I felt happy, excited and light – all because I could finally drop all the excuses, internal dialogue and accommodations I had allowed to build up.

Going through this cycle for a while leaves you feeling as wrung out as your clothes look when you take them out of the washing machine. My decision to break free from this self-generated trap happened when I stopped to take a look at the hinge and noticed there was a growing gap between the frame and the edge of the door. I snapped out of my toleration cycle, realizing that nothing was going to magically get better on its own unless I did something.  Here are 3 tips that helped me break free from toleration, and that I hope will be useful to you as well!

Tip 1 –  Value Your Time and Attention

Having experienced the loss of a parent and some friends due to illness this past year, I realize life is finite and it’s time to raise the bar on what gets my time and attention. Putting up with issues, people, or situations that drain your life force isn’t doing you, nor anyone else, any favours.

Tip 2 – Vote for Yourself

I really enjoyed James Clear’s book “Atomic Habits” and one concept that stuck with me is that effective habit change is to develop identify-based habits, rather than outcome-based goals. As Clear says, “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.“ These votes build up through repeatedly making that choice. Muttering about my door daily didn’t fit with my identity as a leader and change agent.

Tip 3 – Know What You Can Control and What You Can’t

Keep it small and bite-sized. I didn’t have to know how to repair a door, but I know how to use Google and make a few calls to find someone who did. You don’t know if the loud talker in your office will pipe down, but you know if you don’t make the request absolutely nothing will be different. You only have control of you, and by taking one clear action you can disentangle yourself from the Toleration Cycle in short order. Start with what you can start with, and go from there.

What are you tolerating these days? What’s an action you can take to shift out of the Toleration Cycle?