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The Key To Effective Conversations: Listening
Excerpt from Lead Conversations that Count: How Busy Managers Run Great Meetings
(Rowntree Press, 2021)
When we hear the word conversation, we think of witty repartee, dialogue and how we express ourselves verbally. But the magic of impactful conversations has far more to do with how well we listen to one another. Think of the last time you had a discussion where you walked away feeling deeply understood, inspired or reassured. Chances are you experienced a quality of listening where you felt truly seen, heard, and respected for who you are.
Listening feels like it should be a natural skill, but it isn’t. Too often – particularly in the workplace – we think that we’re listening when we’re only listening to judge, compare other’s thoughts to our own, or simply prepare to continue expressing our views. It’s natural to listen through our filters, biases, experiences and agendas.
As the Conversation Leader, the ability to listen is key to leading effective conversations. When you leave space for others to speak, you’ll find they’ll be more inclined to contribute and engage.
Listening to respond is not the same as listening to understand.
How are you building in time to listen and get feedback and input? Recently, I was on a call with about 150 people. They had a breakout session so people could speak in smaller groups, which was great. I love using breakout sessions because they’re a great way to help people make that personal relationship and communicate with each other.
But when it came back to the plenary, the meeting leader asked simply, “Who has something they’d like to say?” That meant only one or two people, out of 150, were able to share. There was no further instruction about how people would be called upon and no invitation made for how else others could share. Plus, there were only ten minutes left at this point in the meeting, so it was clear the “sharing” in the large group wasn’t being given a high priority. With the lack of instruction and the short time frame, the large group was relatively silent and passive. Without some designed structure for sharing, people’s views were pretty much sidelined. What a missed opportunity for learning, sharing insight, and letting your people know you value their perspective and want to listen to them!
Being able to listen deeply requires you to recognize the filters that may influence your ability to understand another point of view and intentionally set them aside, at least temporarily. The Conversation Leader adopts a mindset of curiosity to set aside potential biases and blind spots that may adversely impact their ability to stay present and listen to what’s being said.
Listening builds trust, connection and commitment. When you’re confident in leading the conversation, you know it’s less about what you need to say and more about how much you need to listen.
Take Action
On a scale of 1-10, how good a listener do you feel you are, with 1 being “I do most of the talking around here” to a 10 being “I love to listen and learn in every conversation I have.” Start to notice the degree to which you interrupt others, or form early conclusions. You can get feedback from others as well (be sure you listen to it, though!) From that self-review, pick one action you can take to help improve your listening. For example, you might decide you’ll ask at least one question in each conversation you have.
The quality of your listening can often be impacted by the inner dialogue, level of stress or distraction you have going on in your inner world. For one week, start to listen to your own inner needs and insights. Keep a notepad of some kind handy as you pay extra attention to your own thoughts during that time. Notice any differences in the connection you feel in conversations with others over the course of the week.
Resources
Michael Bungay Stanier, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever (Box of Crayons Press, 2016)
Author Information: This is an excerpt from Lead Conversations that Count: How Busy Managers Run Great Meetings by Carolyn Ellis (Rowntree Press, 2021). For more information on the book, please visit www.LeadConversationsThatCount.com. This article may be shared provided the author information is included.
