I was introduced to the concept of “holding the space” when attending my first shadow work transformational seminar with Debbie Ford in California in 2001. It seemed very important for the people running this three-day immersive experience, but I took it very literally. “How can you hold space?” I wondered. “Space isn’t something you can touch or hold. It’s invisible.” Creating the appropriate space for your conversation is like planting a garden. There is an entire ecosystem to consider that is ever-changing, and you need to be responsive to those changes.

Conflict or disconnection happens when there is some unexpressed need or perspective in play. If the Conversation Leader responds only to what’s apparent, what’s spoken and seems obvious without digging deeper into the heart of the matter, they will miss an important piece of what is really happening. You don’t want to be like the Captain of the Titanic, paying attention only to what’s above the waterline and oblivious to the scope of dangers below the surface. We all know that decision did not turn out well.

Acknowledging people’s contributions and perspectives confirms that they were heard and valued. It’s how we demonstrate respect. Have you ever spoken up to give an idea, and the Conversation Leader just continued? Whether your idea was ignored entirely, or the group leader ran with it without even a nod in your direction, the lack of acknowledgement creates disconnection and a disinclination to offer your input as freely or enthusiastically the next time. Be mindful of how you acknowledge others, particularly when you are leading the conversation.

Listening feels like it should be a natural skill, but it isn’t. Too often – particularly in the workplace – we think that we’re listening when we’re only listening to judge, compare other’s thoughts to our own, or simply prepare to continue expressing our views. It’s natural to listen through our filters, biases, experiences and agendas.