I learned an important life lesson when I joined a self-defense class for women early in my career. As a single professional woman who occasionally had to work late at night in a large city, I decided I would feel more peace of mind if I knew some self-defense basics. Over the one-day workshop, I learned the best stance to keep my balance if confronted, how to break the grip of someone trying to grab me, and the vulnerable points to aim for if faced with an attacker.

The final task of the workshop was to break a wooden board with my bare fist. As my fellow participants and I dubiously handed out the boards to each other, we all looked skeptical. These boards were solid and heavy. I didn’t want to break a bone.

I was introduced to the concept of “holding the space” when attending my first shadow work transformational seminar with Debbie Ford in California in 2001. It seemed very important for the people running this three-day immersive experience, but I took it very literally. “How can you hold space?” I wondered. “Space isn’t something you can touch or hold. It’s invisible.” Creating the appropriate space for your conversation is like planting a garden. There is an entire ecosystem to consider that is ever-changing, and you need to be responsive to those changes.

Conflict or disconnection happens when there is some unexpressed need or perspective in play. If the Conversation Leader responds only to what’s apparent, what’s spoken and seems obvious without digging deeper into the heart of the matter, they will miss an important piece of what is really happening. You don’t want to be like the Captain of the Titanic, paying attention only to what’s above the waterline and oblivious to the scope of dangers below the surface. We all know that decision did not turn out well.